Yeah, tests said I'm kind of a complex mind, not good, not bad, just complex... I'm writing many of these things about me maybe cause I finally feel like I have the necessity to be well understood, not just because I wanted or just because... but because almost all my life I felt like I was being misunderstood and judged and kind of "accused" of being, or saying, or doing, or "trying to mean" things that I'm NOT! In fact I'm not even "trying to" mean anything, I tend to say things literally (or/and also because I'm soon going into a surgery and since I have some extra health issues so... who knows what would happen 🤷♀️). Sometimes, for instance, I was trying to defend my values but was seen as "intransigent", to say less.
I mean:
Finally, I invite you to read something related that I wrote. You can use a translator in case you needed it:
As you'll see, I like tests and I like the dive into myself, into my own mind as well, I like to understand myself, my actions and feelings and being aware of my own acts, even when I can't, I know why I can't... I like to be in connection with myself maybe cause it seems like almost no one really gets to hear and understand what's in my head, not because I'm "unique", not at all, but because now I know I'm just kind of "weird", but "weird" just in world's "normative" terms, but being that weird is not bad, not good either, it just is...
And yeah, learning about myself thaught me some things, essentially, helped me to heal and to understand better my people, and let's be clear, I'm not talking about people around me, I'm talking about my people, my family, and people who are very, VERY important to me, the ones who I care the very most...
So, that helped me so much, as I was telling you, I learned that most people (even not only my people) were not being mean to me as I used to believe, and the issue wasn't that they didn't love me neither, as sometimes I got to think as well... it was just that I'm kind of a "weird" person (not exactly but to oversimplify), I mean, "weird" for their "standards" which made they misunderstood my actions, reactions, words and feelings as if I was too "difficult", "capricious", "exaggerated", "too mental/logical/rational ", "too sensitive/emotional" and/or "intransigent", you know, that kind of things; I was kind of "weird" to them just as much as they were "weird" to me, something that led me as well to misunderstood them as if they were simply mean. I understood them and started to heal... And I understood as well that there's nothing wrong with me or with them, it's just that we'd perceived us as "weird" to each other, and being "weird" it's not bad, it's just a different way of being...
Anyway, here some of my complex traits, the "complexity" seems obvious, isn't it?:
Furthermore, my topic F-T (Feeling "versus" thinking) is very close to the media (50%) 👀
...and I quoted that "versus" because I honestly HONESTLY don't really think a rational approaching to life is in fight with being sensitive and show humanity, not at all!!! opposite of what is very common to believe about that matter.
Yeah, some people think that spirituality, feelings, empathy, and so on are in contradiction with being reasonable, logic or even intelligent, but I think that maybe that's just an Western bias, I used to think that was very common all around the world nowadays but then I learned and realized something...
You'll see, in Eastern culture, for instance, Japan, you don't have an irreconcilable opposition between heart and mind, which is typical here, they had just one word to describe both mind and heart, it's a mind/heart single word l to express that, a word which means it all!!! I got so excited when I knew about that! Literally I was about to cry! 😅 Please don't bully me XD
I mean, is just a terrible bias to believe that INFP/empath/emotional people are just silly, just like it is to think that INTP/intellectual/rational people are just assholes with no heart or feelings...
Human brain is so wonderful that it can develop both at the top and at the same time - Yeah, in fact I've met some people like that, curiously, all of them had been diagnosed or suspected autism (Asperger) or ADHD. They're all so sensitive and so rational at the same time that it's a big BIG pleasure to being able to just talk with them and learn from them the incredible big and amazing world and knowledge they have inside-.
So, if that topic in you is rounding the half as in my case, then you probably have as well a high development of both traits; is not that unusual as many people think, the problem is that we are used to understand life as a basic dichotomy which, if we're trying to be rigorous, is just an oversimplification. Life cannot be understood in monochromatic way, a simple duality, there is complexity, there are nuances!
In my case, according to the phase I was living I got:
- INFP with 59% for F (feelings),
- then INTP with 57% for T (thinking),
- and lately INFP again with 53% for F;
...and since I'm very introspective I know those results fits perfectly with my how my life was going.
- First, complete innocence (when I got INFP)
- Then disappointment, I was under distress and some emotional abuse for almost 8 years, so at that point I desperately needed to be a little more cold (with my abuser), objective and rational to stop that, as a way of self-preservation, so I turned myself into those helpful traits (INTP), I even became agnostic at that point... I was in my surviving mode.
- And finally, I went into some trauma as a result, I started to experience some kind of mourning, but even though I was able to relax myself to be me again (I didn't need that layer, that shell anymore since I moved away from him). Then I started healing. I was able to be me, myself again, I started to recover some of my "exaggerated" self (that's the way he used to perceive me, that's how he used to call me); I started to recover my essence (with a tons more of pain and trauma but myself again, at the end). But I learned some lessons as well along the way, yep, cause I needed to be more rational and objective, and being that rational left its learning, which I deeply internalized. So at that point, after all those years I got INFP again, but this time not with 59% for "feelings", I learned my lessons, some needed and helpful lessons which didn't leave me like an asshole or a piece of shit without feelings, nop, it just helped me to be more grounded, to dream is perfectly ok, but it's better for mental and emotional health being also realistic, to be down on earth without necessarily stopp dreaming... Did you get what I'm saying, right? now I got 53% for feelings and 47 for thinking, even more "centered" that before!
You can think of that as acquiring a new "equilibrium" but not really, it has only happened for the way MBTI was designed. Even though, even when my F traits descended, it doesn't means I became cold and harsh, not at all, in fact I obtained almost 100% both in sensitivity and intellect traits in some other test, both at the same time, and then, I got 96% of emotional self awareness, and according to the description, it says that I FEEL life with intensity, but even though I recognize and manage my own emotions RATIONALLY, and I can feel totally, TOTALLY related to that! Maybe you could say that I feel rationally, and I feel it so intense! 😁
Here my traits of sensitivity and intellect (I took the test while my INTP phase), you'll see, both at a very high level, even when I am actually (and feel and got) INFP.
And here the other test I talked you about, when I got 96% of emotional self awareness, I mean, high emotional sensitivity rationally regulated:
So, BTW, I can TOTALLY relate to and agree with this:
__________________________________
PS/BONUS TRACKS XD
Here once more a "glimpse" of my traits reflected in another matter, religion.
As you see, almost at the center in almost all possibilities, not because I'm an "undecided", but because I respect any beliefs (while they're not causing or promoting harm to anybody) even when I can call myself an "ist" at any level, not for now at least and it would be hard I'll be someday... which doesn't mean that I'm properly a "secularist", once again, I consider myself very spiritual, so I think there's missing some topic "materialistic" vs. "idealistic/spiritual": ou know to which one I tend, even when I'm not (for now) aligned with any religion, even (again) when religion and spirituality (not in a usual sense) appears as a matter very interesting to me...
--------- o ---------
Or this... once again, they almost failed because if my "weird" traits and preferences...
Yeah, I totally love progressive metal and music (which I consider progressive XD ), but I totally hate heavy metal which allegedly is my second choice 🤮 nope!!! I think the test took my total inclination for voices and to appreciate voices as an indicator of my supposed heavy metal tastes 🙄 it's clear I like voices almost as a main point related to music, it's clear also that heavy has prodigious voices but, they clearly don't know which kind of prodigious voices I like 😅 cause for instance, I totally TOTALLY with no doubt I prefer a black metal growling over a heavy metal voice which in fact results kind of cloying and excessive to my ears.... Ohhh man, I know this particular matter is not a big deal but, do you understand know how I normally tend to be misunderstood soooo easily? 😐
Acabo de encontrar este video 🥲 Carita con lagrimita de felicidad porque es siempre casi un bálsamo para el corazón escuchar a alguien que puede entender lo que tienes dentro tan increíblemente bien, alguien que ni siquiera conoces pero con quien, de alguna forma, puedes conectar, con quien te sientes tan identifica. Y se siente tan tibio y reconfortante porque ese entendimiento ha sido prácticamente un "quest" de la vida entera, porque casi toda tu vida has sido malentendido, malinterpretado, prejuzgado, etc. O quizá como el mismo doctor del video dice, se siente como haber vivido una vida entera sin haber encontrado esa comunidad, tu comunidad, es sentir como que no perteneces a ningún lado; así que encontrar ese entendimiento se siente como algo maravilloso, de otro mundo! quiero decir, del propio, tal gez, finalmente... En fin, casi pareciera como si el doctor del video estuviese parafraseando todo lo que vengo diciendo. Dejo el video aquí:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.instagram.com/reel/C7j5MKyO3mh/?igsh=cHQyNmI0MmJmbTli
Le escribí esto que sigue en los comentarios, que prácticamente vendría a ser casi una traducción de la primera parte de esta entrada. Esto fue lo que le escribí:
«Justamente hace poco escribí esto, tal parece que estuviese yo hablando de todo, absolutamente todo lo que refiere usted...
https://kronidarte.blogspot.com/2024/05/my-complex-infpintp-traits.html [esta misma entrada]
No tengo el "diagnóstico" oficial, recién estoy empezando con un psiquiatra pero sí que desde hace algo más de un año que me enteré de qué va todo esto mucho cambió en mí y empecé a sanar; independientemente de que sea o no autista definitivamente tengo algunos rasgos que, hasta antes de conocer del autismo, sinceramente no sabía que eran algo "raro" o que podían ser enlistados como rasgos neurodivergentes, sencillamente porque era mi única experiencia, todo lo que conocía, entonces creía que eran rasgos y dificultades comunes a todo el mundo, cosas que todos en algún momento o toda su vida habían experimentado, y no imaginaba que no era así... todo ello, por supuesto, independientemente de mis propias eternas frustraciones e interrogaciones, pues no podía entender por qué los demás me trataban así, no sabía, no tenía idea de que, a pesar de que nunca sentí encajar en ningún lado, no tenía idea de que en verdad podía yo serles tan "rara", que mis actitudes y reacciones y mi lógica les fuera realmente algo tan ajeno, tan incomprensible, no lo sabía... entonces creía que simplemente el mundo había sido "malo" conmigo o que quizá había algo mal conmigo, no con mi forma de ser (porque pensaba que todos veían la vida como yo a pensar de no caer bien a nadie) sino con mi ser mismo, llegué a creer, por ejemplo, que quizá mi cuerpo apestaba, o mi aliento, que por eso se alejaban, que quizá por eso les resultaba de algún modo "indeseable".
Pero desde que supe que lo que yo consideraba común al género humano era en realidad enlistado como características y rasgos propios del autismo un nuevo mundo se abrió ante mis ojos, comprendí mi propia historia y entendí también a mis cercanos: no era que no me querían, no era que eran malos, no era que yo apestaba o que fuera yo insoportable, era que en verdad les resultaba yo "rara" era que en verdad les parecía, por ejemplo "exagerada", demasiado emocional o demasiado fría, demasiado todo, demasiado fuera de sus cánones y no era culpa de ellos, ni tampoco mía. Nadie estaba "mal" solo éramos distintos, solo veíamos, entendíamos y procesábamos el mundo de manera diferente. Entonces lo entendí y entonces comencé a sanar...»